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Monday, July 14, 2003

Rules Butches Wish Femmes Knew



If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

Don�t ask us to fix it, if we can�t do it they way we want to.

Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons butches fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Your ex-girlfriend is an idiot.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Most butches own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your friends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

No, it does not matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera butches.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

ALL butches see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

Pumpkin is also a fruit.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

Love is In the Air At 3:09 AM
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How To Satisfy a Femme Every Time



Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.


HOW TO SATISFY A BUTCH EVERY TIME



Show up naked and with a BEER!!!

Love is In the Air At 3:07 AM
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The 9 types of girlfriends.....



1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have."
Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.




2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no- talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans




3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious




4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also Known As: Whip cracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?




5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair colour?"
Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed




6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I've done it before. It's fun!"
Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs




7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.




8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.




9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a butch". I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel."
Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you!

Love is In the Air At 3:04 AM
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Break-up Lines

"Let's just be friends!"

"Could you please remove your close from the closet? They are much to large for my new girl friend."

It's not you, it's me.

I just don't love you the way I used too!

There will always be a special place in my heart for you.

Hey baby, welcome to dumpville. Population, you.

I'd rather date an open grave.

You and your mom are so much alike....in bed

It is for the best...at least that's what my shrink said!

Here's your dildo...so you wont miss me so much...

I've found my self...and I like what I found...so I don't need you any more.

You smell bad, your hair is ugly, you have pimples and I do really hate you, but thank you for the sex!

So what we had some sex, so what? You enjoyed it more than me!

Sorry, You remind me too much of my ex!

I really need to spend more time with my computer.

THE BEST - "I'm Straight!"

Love is In the Air At 3:03 AM
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